So, it was my turn to go to the ER

Let’s just preface this that when you have an amazing birthday month you just want to keep the good times going.

An ER trip really disrupts that flow.

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Maks and I were getting ready to finally start trying again this month. I’m drinking my green tea, limiting my overall caffeine intake, trying very hard to not eat so much junk, working out even more than usual…and I still ended up with a UTI.

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My UTI is rather mild. Other than the (okay, this is the TMI part) bleeding and cramping, I’m not in much pain. I can easily pee without wincing.

The six-hour long visit did reveal my fibroids made a comeback like Twinkies so I’m a little iffy on that. The only thing I can do with those (since they’re relatively small) is just really monitor my diet and eats lots of vegetarian and vegan dishes.

Of course, I’m doped up as all shit but nothing is making me weary nor is it impacting raising Bear.

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So, obviously this cycle is a wash. But my health is more important and I can’t start trying if I still have issues. I need to make an appointment with my OB to see when I can get clearance. Onto the next cycle!

 

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Ooh on the TTC Tip…Am I Really Ready for Another Baby Now?

Several months ago, Maks and I decided to take a break from TTC to focus on Bear and get ourselves together (click here for a refresher).

Despite what anyone tells you, time is fast. Incredibly fast. Like Usain Bolt taking a jog in the 100 meters fast.

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As we’re steadily approaching the time for us to start trying again, I’m anxiously getting prepared. I’m paying off debt. I’m catching up on some. We’re eating way healthier now and becoming a lot more active. Our home isn’t so cluttered and we’ve made plans to upgrade a lot of things within the next six months.

And yet…it still feels like we’re not ready.

I know, I know. I know all too well – you’re never ready. We can be totally debt-free, living in a museum-like home, and have bodies that rival Mr. Olympia participants, and we’d never be ready. That’s the challenge of parenting – you think you’re ready but you have no idea.

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Bear is still in diapers, though I’m anxious to get him out of them ASAP. He’s thriving in school (he only goes part-time) and he’s talking a ton more. In turn, I’ve been more productive in the home and also in my writing ventures. I’ve also shed a few pounds that I’ve gained and feel happier overall.

And yet…it still feels like I’m not ready.

The more squishy and chunky babies I see, the more my biological clock is shouting at me, demanding I occupy my uterus. Age, who was once my good friend and I still consider her a homie, is tapping her feet and giving me a look of, ‘Okay, sis, what are we doing here?’

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Yeah…what are we doing?

I don’t know if we’re going to start this cycle or wait until another like originally planned (probably the latter). The reason for the delay was so I wouldn’t be pregnant at my long-awaited Beyonce concert I’m attending in a few weeks.

Yeah. I get to see King Bey herself. Floor seats, yo.

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So yeah, as I contemplate where I’m at in my life with where I want to be, I can’t help but to think a big part of me does want another baby and rather soon. It was never my intention to have just one baby and I would love to make Bear a big brother.

I guess we should get started on it…that is, after Beyonce.

Why My Feelings About Twins are Unusual

Lately, I’ve had twins on my mind. Not that I want twins. Not that I don’t want twins. But when you have several people in your life recently give birth to twins, well, you start thinking about them. Can I handle double the diapers? Double the crying? Double the food bill?

I mean, it’s all fun and games until you receive that first pediatric bill.

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I recently had a dream where I found out I was pregnant with twins. Normally, “they” say when you dream about a pregnancy, namely yours, it’s a sign you will be pregnant. Of course, they also say you’re about to give birth to a new project or idea. Since I’m working on a couple of projects, it did make sense I had a twin pregnancy dream.

But then I started thinking…with my lifestyle and how active Bear is, could I actually handle two extra mouths at the same time?

Ideally, I wanted three children (on Earth) and I still do. There are times I feel Bear is more than enough and there are times I hope to get pregnant soon so there won’t be such a big age gap between him and his siblings. As I look at some of my friends and family celebrating their twins’ achievements, I wonder how they do it. One friend had twins after a single pregnancy, while a family member had twins after two single pregnancies. Their families went from small to large within 9 months.

Then, I think of the incredible blessing God bestowed on one friend who finally had twins after 10+ years of infertility and two painful miscarriages. I’m truly happy for her.

Of course, I’m being unusually pessimistic about my situation. Yeah, it is expensive and there will be added stress. On the flip side, there will also be an insurmountable blessing to the family. Not only are you seeing one child grow up, but also their sibling at the same time. They might be identical in everything they do or they might be completely different from each other.

Then, I started thinking…if I want two more children, what difference would it make if they’re spaced out or if I have them at the same time?

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It’s a fear inside me that thinks I wouldn’t be able to handle two babies at once. I think sometimes I still try to have it together with just one child and I wonder how I would be able to manage with two more. I don’t have nearby family around so for the most part, it’s just me and Bear. While I love the awesome one-on-one time I have with him, my desire for another baby growing by the day, I silently question if I could truly divide my time equally with more children around.

My husband says he thinks I’ll be able handle twins and do an awesome job at it. I have to believe he’s right. He’s not the type to say things just to make me feel better (he’s quite honest). And honestly, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. Sure, there’s always room for improvement but I can honestly say I’m doing the best job I can and I think every mother should be able to say that.

I guess we just have to wait and see. An angel mother once told me something that I carry to this day so I’ll share it with you – God will not give you what you want but what you needOnce we start trying again, we’ll see what happens. I’m confident in knowing no matter what happens – if I’m blessed with a single pregnancy or a twin one – it’s what God had in store for me.

I’m perfectly fine with that.

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Doing Just Fine

Waiting my turn…

That’s my theme for 2016. Waiting my turn. While that could apply to just about anything, it really applies to just one thing – pregnancy.

It seems like when you want to have a baby, all you see are pregnant tummies, people announcing their births, people announcing they’re expecting…

And then there’s me…with nothing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my son and he’s my world. Every day is an adventure with him and I really cherish the time that it’s the two of us. I’ve been told by many having one kid is super easy and it becomes challenging when there’s two or more, which I believe. Babysitting my nephews when they were younger and picking them up from school, practice, etc., was a challenge and I was only the babysitter. I can’t imagine doing it when I was a mother back then.

I’ve always seen myself with a gaggle of kids. I come from a big family and I would like to have a extra-large medium of my own.

I have to wait my turn.

Remember my Fertile Myrtle cousin? Well, she just gave birth to the twins and although they’re in the NICU, they’re doing pretty well. As she celebrated her babies’ births, I was wondering, “Well, that sucks…she can have four kids under three and I’m stuck twiddling my thumbs.”

And then I thought…she has four kids under three…how jealous am I really? 

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You see, Bear is going to be 3 this year. I may have a baby by the time he’s born, I may be pregnant with one, or none of the above will occur. I just don’t know and furthermore, God isn’t saying anything. I don’t want to be so hung up in TTC that I forget I have a wonderful toddler…a single child who deserves all of my attention.

I started up my fitness again, walking 10 miles so far this week. The goal is 20 miles a week and something I did all last summer and fall before I took the Fat Break aka winter holidays. I’ve also cleared out the mind clutter and in the process of clearing out the physical clutter. So far, it’s made a huge difference. Maks and I plan to do a lot of traveling and I’m very excited about that and where we’re going.

So yeah, I am bummed I’m not pregnant yet but I’m excited I will be, I just don’t know when. I decided to pour all of my attention to Bear and my writing career as I patiently wait my turn.

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Shake It Off

I learned a valuable lesson this week…

Always…

ALWAYS…

Listen to your body.

As many of you may know, Maks and I have been TTC for Rainbow Baby #2. It’s had its ups and downs but we both realized not being stressed out about it was benefitting both of us. (See Big News for a refresher.)

I have two fertility apps on my phone – Fertility Friend and Period Tracker. Both of them claimed I was going to be fertile for the first few days of 2016 and I would ovulate on Tuesday.

Good thing I decided to have a third opinion.

I always, always, ALWAYS will recommend to any woman who is TTC and especially to my TTC after 35 ladies, to use OPKs. If you are willing to spend the money for them, I suggest you get the Clearblue Digital ones. You can’t go wrong – smiley face if you’re about to ovulate, clear circle if not.

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So, I’ve been tracking my ovulation on the apps and taking the OPKs. We’ve been pretty tired to have any sex but I wasn’t concerned because I was getting mixed signals. My body was telling me no while the apps were telling me yes. Huh? What’s going on here? Did I miss my window? Did I ovulate earlier than originally expected? Am I going to ovulate later than originally expected?

Turns out, I’m ovulating NOW. Three days later.

So, we’ll see what happens. Fingers crossed!