Lately, I’ve had twins on my mind. Not that I want twins. Not that I don’t want twins. But when you have several people in your life recently give birth to twins, well, you start thinking about them. Can I handle double the diapers? Double the crying? Double the food bill?
I mean, it’s all fun and games until you receive that first pediatric bill.
I recently had a dream where I found out I was pregnant with twins. Normally, “they” say when you dream about a pregnancy, namely yours, it’s a sign you will be pregnant. Of course, they also say you’re about to give birth to a new project or idea. Since I’m working on a couple of projects, it did make sense I had a twin pregnancy dream.
But then I started thinking…with my lifestyle and how active Bear is, could I actually handle two extra mouths at the same time?
Ideally, I wanted three children (on Earth) and I still do. There are times I feel Bear is more than enough and there are times I hope to get pregnant soon so there won’t be such a big age gap between him and his siblings. As I look at some of my friends and family celebrating their twins’ achievements, I wonder how they do it. One friend had twins after a single pregnancy, while a family member had twins after two single pregnancies. Their families went from small to large within 9 months.
Then, I think of the incredible blessing God bestowed on one friend who finally had twins after 10+ years of infertility and two painful miscarriages. I’m truly happy for her.
Of course, I’m being unusually pessimistic about my situation. Yeah, it is expensive and there will be added stress. On the flip side, there will also be an insurmountable blessing to the family. Not only are you seeing one child grow up, but also their sibling at the same time. They might be identical in everything they do or they might be completely different from each other.
Then, I started thinking…if I want two more children, what difference would it make if they’re spaced out or if I have them at the same time?
It’s a fear inside me that thinks I wouldn’t be able to handle two babies at once. I think sometimes I still try to have it together with just one child and I wonder how I would be able to manage with two more. I don’t have nearby family around so for the most part, it’s just me and Bear. While I love the awesome one-on-one time I have with him, my desire for another baby growing by the day, I silently question if I could truly divide my time equally with more children around.
My husband says he thinks I’ll be able handle twins and do an awesome job at it. I have to believe he’s right. He’s not the type to say things just to make me feel better (he’s quite honest). And honestly, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. Sure, there’s always room for improvement but I can honestly say I’m doing the best job I can and I think every mother should be able to say that.
I guess we just have to wait and see. An angel mother once told me something that I carry to this day so I’ll share it with you – God will not give you what you want but what you need. Once we start trying again, we’ll see what happens. I’m confident in knowing no matter what happens – if I’m blessed with a single pregnancy or a twin one – it’s what God had in store for me.
I’m perfectly fine with that.