Sometimes I feel like I’m not like the others.
Not that I’m some anomaly or I’m some sort of speshul or uneek (deliberately misspelled, grammar and spelling nazis). Sometimes I feel there’s me and then there’s….everyone else.
Case in point, I have no qualms with not having a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean).
Again, I’m not pregnant. I’m currently on CD 8 and we’re going to start doing the Humpty Dance soon for TTC month #2. But I like to think ahead about my future and try to plan as much as I can. I say it like that because as much as one tries to plan, there will always be that kink that makes you realize all of your planning can easily go to shit in just a second (and with children, it’s real easy for that to happen).
I’ve had a number of friends recently give birth and just about all of them detailed how wonderful and beautiful their vaginal births were, despite the intensity of contractions and the relief of epidural. A part of me felt jealous that I would never experience that type of birth and the end result will be a healthy and living baby. A part of me felt relief that I would never have to suffer through the aftermath of recovery from a vaginal birth. One of my fellow November 2013 moms detailed how she was in labor for close to 30 hours.
So I started to wonder…do I really want a VBAC?
It’s often recommended that a woman shouldn’t do a VBAC for the risk of tearing the c-section scar amongst other issues. Yet, many women have successfully done them and even one of my good friends just had one. My OB is against VBAC and has blatantly told me that since I had one cesarean, I’ll always have them.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not want to go through the pains of labor again. I went through 13 hours with Ethan and they were grueling and even heartbreaking since I didn’t have a baby to take home. Even when I took childbirth classes for Bo, a part of me really wondered if I was cut out for childbirth again. I remember saying to my husband, ‘You know, I wouldn’t mind a c-section if it comes down to that.’
This is the part of being an angel/rainbow mommy that I’ll always deal with – guilt and hopeful wishing.
As I research and read more stories of women having successful multiple c-sections, I do become more confident in my decision in not switching OBs and listening to my doctor. I’m already high-risk due to IC (and now age) and I like my OB and MFM. I’ve really lucked out in getting doctors who actually care and take everything serious from the on-set instead of the ‘wait and see’ approach.
I know every pregnant woman dreams of the perfect birth experience. It’s not bragging rights, it’s not to show off, but it’s something deeply personal and innate. That’s beautiful. But I also think having a c-section can be a beautiful experience if it’s done right. Bear was born to Gershwin. (My OB called it elevator music.)