Rhapsody in Blue

Sometimes I feel like I’m not like the others.

Not that I’m some anomaly or I’m some sort of speshul or uneek (deliberately misspelled, grammar and spelling nazis). Sometimes I feel there’s me and then there’s….everyone else.

Case in point, I have no qualms with not having a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean).

Again, I’m not pregnant. I’m currently on CD 8 and we’re going to start doing the Humpty Dance soon for TTC month #2. But I like to think ahead about my future and try to plan as much as I can. I say it like that because as much as one tries to plan, there will always be that kink that makes you realize all of your planning can easily go to shit in just a second (and with children, it’s real easy for that to happen).

I’ve had a number of friends recently give birth and just about all of them detailed how wonderful and beautiful their vaginal births were, despite the intensity of contractions and the relief of epidural. A part of me felt jealous that I would never experience that type of birth and the end result will be a healthy and living baby. A part of me felt relief that I would never have to suffer through the aftermath of recovery from a vaginal birth. One of my fellow November 2013 moms detailed how she was in labor for close to 30 hours.

So I started to wonder…do I really want a VBAC?

It’s often recommended that a woman shouldn’t do a VBAC for the risk of tearing the c-section scar amongst other issues. Yet, many women have successfully done them and even one of my good friends just had one. My OB is against VBAC and has blatantly told me that since I had one cesarean, I’ll always have them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not want to go through the pains of labor again. I went through 13 hours with Ethan and they were grueling and even heartbreaking since I didn’t have a baby to take home. Even when I took childbirth classes for Bo, a part of me really wondered if I was cut out for childbirth again. I remember saying to my husband, ‘You know, I wouldn’t mind a c-section if it comes down to that.’

This is the part of being an angel/rainbow mommy that I’ll always deal with – guilt and hopeful wishing.

As I research and read more stories of women having successful multiple c-sections, I do become more confident in my decision in not switching OBs and listening to my doctor. I’m already high-risk due to IC (and now age) and I like my OB and MFM. I’ve really lucked out in getting doctors who actually care and take everything serious from the on-set instead of the ‘wait and see’ approach.

I know every pregnant woman dreams of the perfect birth experience. It’s not bragging rights, it’s not to show off, but it’s something deeply personal and innate. That’s beautiful. But I also think having a c-section can be a beautiful experience if it’s done right. Bear was born to Gershwin. (My OB called it elevator music.)



4 thoughts on “Rhapsody in Blue

  1. I get you. I was in labor with Wyatt for 32 hours and i was so tired physically and mentally by the end that I didn’t even cry when he came out. My TWO epidurals didn’t work. I was on constant iv meds for group b strep. My blood pressure kept dipping super low,and on top of all that,Fatty got stuck and I had to have an episiotomy…But I wouldn’t have changed a thing because he arrived safe and ALIVE. That was the goal. And I would’ve gladly rolled my happy ass into the OR for a c-section if needed and still been okay with his birth.
    I think as an angel mama,we look at births differently now. The outcome is the important part. I think you could hang us by our fingertips and tickle them out of us and we would still call it a successful,happy birth. Lol
    Do what feels right to you mama,VBAC or another C!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Lmao Around hour 30. I was SO fucking tired I could barely push. And hangry! But I wanted my damn baby! Around that time,my husband and doula heard my doctor apparently tell the nurses that if I didn’t deliver within the next hour or two I would need a csection,as my water was broken and Wyatt needed to come out ASAP. That motivated me a little bit!

        Liked by 1 person

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