So, it was my turn to go to the ER

Let’s just preface this that when you have an amazing birthday month you just want to keep the good times going.

An ER trip really disrupts that flow.

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Maks and I were getting ready to finally start trying again this month. I’m drinking my green tea, limiting my overall caffeine intake, trying very hard to not eat so much junk, working out even more than usual…and I still ended up with a UTI.

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My UTI is rather mild. Other than the (okay, this is the TMI part) bleeding and cramping, I’m not in much pain. I can easily pee without wincing.

The six-hour long visit did reveal my fibroids made a comeback like Twinkies so I’m a little iffy on that. The only thing I can do with those (since they’re relatively small) is just really monitor my diet and eats lots of vegetarian and vegan dishes.

Of course, I’m doped up as all shit but nothing is making me weary nor is it impacting raising Bear.

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So, obviously this cycle is a wash. But my health is more important and I can’t start trying if I still have issues. I need to make an appointment with my OB to see when I can get clearance. Onto the next cycle!

 

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Do I Really Want Another Baby?

Amazing how just a short while ago, I said I was doing everything I can to be in the best physical and financial shape before we started trying. Started from the bottom and now we’re here.

And now we’re…HERE???

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Beyonce was last week and let me tell you, the woman can put on an amazing show! Everything from the production to the singing to the dancing….spectacular! The only concert that was better was Prince’s and that’s a pretty high standard. I didnt get the poster I wanted but I did manage to pick up a T-shirt:

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So now that Bouncy has bounced off into the sunset, and I’m on CD2, now I’m wondering…am I ready?

I’ll be 37 in a few weeks (yes, Black don’t crack) so I have to keep in mind that when I’m 40, I’m going to have two toddlers and possibly a third rainbow, God willing. I know what you might be thinking – there are plenty of mothers who are 40, active, and they have no problems. I know that.

Besides the longing for another baby, I’m also wondering if I can really handle the jump from one kid to two children.

You see, there will be a little bit of an age difference between Bear and his siblings. I hope the gap won’t be too big and I really want all children to be relatively close in age. Besides that, I really enjoy the freedom of having one kid. Granted, he’s in preschool part-time and he’s becoming more independent with each day.

I do wonder…am I rushing into having another kid so soon?

It was a concern I had earlier this year when we were trying and we took a break and honestly, it’s still a concern. Not a major one to the point of postponing but wondering if I would be able to equally divide my time between a toddler, an infant, and my writing? Oh yeah, and the husband, too.

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We don’t really have a lot of family near us and if you followed this blog for a while, you know how I feel about my mother-in-law’s severe lack of effort so no need to rehash (for those new, she’s only physically seen Bear twice since his birth, despite the fact she only lives 30 minutes away and is the closest living grandmother. No, nothing is wrong with her other than she has a cold, dead heart).

I have to really consider the fact I’ll be once again doing this all by myself or we might have to schedule a babysitter to come in once a week so I can get some Me time. I don’t have the luxury of other friends and fellow moms where they could drop off their children with their parents who’ll happily watch them for free. I’ll also need to budget time and money for a sitter.

And eventually, there’s the cost factor. Another child soon will also mean they’ll be in preschool either around the same time Bear is or when he’ll graduate up to kindergarten. We’re not rich by any means but we’re on our way to finally being comfortable after years of struggling and honestly, I kinda like that financial freedom.

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I feel like my fear is holding me back from something potentially great and fulfilling. As I’m getting older, my biological clock is becoming louder and it’s a hard alarm to shut off. It’s something I need to work on and try to quiet the worrying noise in the background.

In the meanwhile, I’ll start my TTC routine and let’s see what happens from here. I might be pregnant by the end of the year or it might take a while.

I can only try.

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Ooh on the TTC Tip…Am I Really Ready for Another Baby Now?

Several months ago, Maks and I decided to take a break from TTC to focus on Bear and get ourselves together (click here for a refresher).

Despite what anyone tells you, time is fast. Incredibly fast. Like Usain Bolt taking a jog in the 100 meters fast.

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As we’re steadily approaching the time for us to start trying again, I’m anxiously getting prepared. I’m paying off debt. I’m catching up on some. We’re eating way healthier now and becoming a lot more active. Our home isn’t so cluttered and we’ve made plans to upgrade a lot of things within the next six months.

And yet…it still feels like we’re not ready.

I know, I know. I know all too well – you’re never ready. We can be totally debt-free, living in a museum-like home, and have bodies that rival Mr. Olympia participants, and we’d never be ready. That’s the challenge of parenting – you think you’re ready but you have no idea.

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Bear is still in diapers, though I’m anxious to get him out of them ASAP. He’s thriving in school (he only goes part-time) and he’s talking a ton more. In turn, I’ve been more productive in the home and also in my writing ventures. I’ve also shed a few pounds that I’ve gained and feel happier overall.

And yet…it still feels like I’m not ready.

The more squishy and chunky babies I see, the more my biological clock is shouting at me, demanding I occupy my uterus. Age, who was once my good friend and I still consider her a homie, is tapping her feet and giving me a look of, ‘Okay, sis, what are we doing here?’

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Yeah…what are we doing?

I don’t know if we’re going to start this cycle or wait until another like originally planned (probably the latter). The reason for the delay was so I wouldn’t be pregnant at my long-awaited Beyonce concert I’m attending in a few weeks.

Yeah. I get to see King Bey herself. Floor seats, yo.

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So yeah, as I contemplate where I’m at in my life with where I want to be, I can’t help but to think a big part of me does want another baby and rather soon. It was never my intention to have just one baby and I would love to make Bear a big brother.

I guess we should get started on it…that is, after Beyonce.

Why My Feelings About Twins are Unusual

Lately, I’ve had twins on my mind. Not that I want twins. Not that I don’t want twins. But when you have several people in your life recently give birth to twins, well, you start thinking about them. Can I handle double the diapers? Double the crying? Double the food bill?

I mean, it’s all fun and games until you receive that first pediatric bill.

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I recently had a dream where I found out I was pregnant with twins. Normally, “they” say when you dream about a pregnancy, namely yours, it’s a sign you will be pregnant. Of course, they also say you’re about to give birth to a new project or idea. Since I’m working on a couple of projects, it did make sense I had a twin pregnancy dream.

But then I started thinking…with my lifestyle and how active Bear is, could I actually handle two extra mouths at the same time?

Ideally, I wanted three children (on Earth) and I still do. There are times I feel Bear is more than enough and there are times I hope to get pregnant soon so there won’t be such a big age gap between him and his siblings. As I look at some of my friends and family celebrating their twins’ achievements, I wonder how they do it. One friend had twins after a single pregnancy, while a family member had twins after two single pregnancies. Their families went from small to large within 9 months.

Then, I think of the incredible blessing God bestowed on one friend who finally had twins after 10+ years of infertility and two painful miscarriages. I’m truly happy for her.

Of course, I’m being unusually pessimistic about my situation. Yeah, it is expensive and there will be added stress. On the flip side, there will also be an insurmountable blessing to the family. Not only are you seeing one child grow up, but also their sibling at the same time. They might be identical in everything they do or they might be completely different from each other.

Then, I started thinking…if I want two more children, what difference would it make if they’re spaced out or if I have them at the same time?

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It’s a fear inside me that thinks I wouldn’t be able to handle two babies at once. I think sometimes I still try to have it together with just one child and I wonder how I would be able to manage with two more. I don’t have nearby family around so for the most part, it’s just me and Bear. While I love the awesome one-on-one time I have with him, my desire for another baby growing by the day, I silently question if I could truly divide my time equally with more children around.

My husband says he thinks I’ll be able handle twins and do an awesome job at it. I have to believe he’s right. He’s not the type to say things just to make me feel better (he’s quite honest). And honestly, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. Sure, there’s always room for improvement but I can honestly say I’m doing the best job I can and I think every mother should be able to say that.

I guess we just have to wait and see. An angel mother once told me something that I carry to this day so I’ll share it with you – God will not give you what you want but what you needOnce we start trying again, we’ll see what happens. I’m confident in knowing no matter what happens – if I’m blessed with a single pregnancy or a twin one – it’s what God had in store for me.

I’m perfectly fine with that.

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An update of sorts…

I’m so sorry for the lack of posts here. With the past holiday weekend and what have you, I just haven’t had any time! But now I do, so let’s get busy –

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Just a friendly reminder – I am speaking at the MixedRemixed Festival this year! I’ll be speaking on the panel regarding Parenting with Difference: Multiracial and Families of Transracial Adoption in Conversation. So, if you’re in the L.A. area, come swing by! I would love to see you and you can meet my family! Please register at www.mixedremixed.org because spaces are filling up very quickly!

Bear & Bae:

This past weekend, we went to another one of hub-hub’s photo meets. Here are some pics of Bear taken by our close family friend, Mike, who goes by @kaotical24.

A question Maks and I have been getting a lot lately is whether we’re going to put Bear into modeling. Maybe eventually. Right now, he’s still very young and he doesn’t like to sit or stay still for too long. And when I say too long, I mean anything past a few minutes. Also, I really want Bear to be a kid. He’s about to start school soon so I would love for him to just explore being around other kids his age. You’re only a toddler once and want his first memories to be when he was at school, all the friends he made, the field trips he took, and the cool artwork he brought home, not sitting in a hallway for an audition.

So, who knows what the future will bring? I feel whatever path Bear wants to choose is the one for his destiny.

Ooh, on the TTC tip…

Last year we were actively TTCing. This year, it’s on hold. Not an indefinite hold but just a small hold. We want to travel a bit and plus, I need to get back into shape. (Amazing how much in-shape I was when I was trying to get pregnant and when that stopped, I pretty much said, ‘fuck it, hand me that cheesecake.’)

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It wasn’t an easy decision but the last time I was truly pregnant, I had to stay put within a six-mile radius from my OB and MFM. Once you realize how wide six miles is and what you can’t do, it’s pretty depressing.

And honestly, I want to enjoy having one kid for now. I want to solely give 100% of my attention to Bear and now he’s at the age where he needs it. I’ll probably be pregnant at the end of this year but for now, I want to just have fun with my small family.

So that’s it! I’ll be back in a couple of days with hair, makeup, and book reviews!

I hope you’re doing wonderful and great! xoxoxoxo