Do I Really Want Another Baby?

Amazing how just a short while ago, I said I was doing everything I can to be in the best physical and financial shape before we started trying. Started from the bottom and now we’re here.

And now we’re…HERE???

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Beyonce was last week and let me tell you, the woman can put on an amazing show! Everything from the production to the singing to the dancing….spectacular! The only concert that was better was Prince’s and that’s a pretty high standard. I didnt get the poster I wanted but I did manage to pick up a T-shirt:

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So now that Bouncy has bounced off into the sunset, and I’m on CD2, now I’m wondering…am I ready?

I’ll be 37 in a few weeks (yes, Black don’t crack) so I have to keep in mind that when I’m 40, I’m going to have two toddlers and possibly a third rainbow, God willing. I know what you might be thinking – there are plenty of mothers who are 40, active, and they have no problems. I know that.

Besides the longing for another baby, I’m also wondering if I can really handle the jump from one kid to two children.

You see, there will be a little bit of an age difference between Bear and his siblings. I hope the gap won’t be too big and I really want all children to be relatively close in age. Besides that, I really enjoy the freedom of having one kid. Granted, he’s in preschool part-time and he’s becoming more independent with each day.

I do wonder…am I rushing into having another kid so soon?

It was a concern I had earlier this year when we were trying and we took a break and honestly, it’s still a concern. Not a major one to the point of postponing but wondering if I would be able to equally divide my time between a toddler, an infant, and my writing? Oh yeah, and the husband, too.

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We don’t really have a lot of family near us and if you followed this blog for a while, you know how I feel about my mother-in-law’s severe lack of effort so no need to rehash (for those new, she’s only physically seen Bear twice since his birth, despite the fact she only lives 30 minutes away and is the closest living grandmother. No, nothing is wrong with her other than she has a cold, dead heart).

I have to really consider the fact I’ll be once again doing this all by myself or we might have to schedule a babysitter to come in once a week so I can get some Me time. I don’t have the luxury of other friends and fellow moms where they could drop off their children with their parents who’ll happily watch them for free. I’ll also need to budget time and money for a sitter.

And eventually, there’s the cost factor. Another child soon will also mean they’ll be in preschool either around the same time Bear is or when he’ll graduate up to kindergarten. We’re not rich by any means but we’re on our way to finally being comfortable after years of struggling and honestly, I kinda like that financial freedom.

bey

I feel like my fear is holding me back from something potentially great and fulfilling. As I’m getting older, my biological clock is becoming louder and it’s a hard alarm to shut off. It’s something I need to work on and try to quiet the worrying noise in the background.

In the meanwhile, I’ll start my TTC routine and let’s see what happens from here. I might be pregnant by the end of the year or it might take a while.

I can only try.

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