I know I’m late in the game posting about this and honestly, I was wondering if I should. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not ‘over’ anything, rather I want to make a post that will consolidate everything into one.
It’s been a so-so month for me, emotionally-wise. I haven’t felt like I was in the dumps but I haven’t felt 100%. Fall is usually tricky like that. It’s my birthday, then Bear’s, then Maks’s and inevitably, Ethan’s.
I have learned that it’s the time leading up to his birthday that’s worse than the actual day itself. It’s something I still haven’t gotten used to and I’m approaching his five-year angelversary. While I’m sipping on everything pumpkin, there’s a quiet melancholy underneath.
I’m fine for the most part. I think once it comes to Ethan’s birthday, I’ll be happy. I’ll bake a cake, light a candle, and celebrate my baby boy as if he were on Earth.
I did want to show all the new angel parents that, well, a couple of things:
One, you’ll never get over your loss. A new baby won’t make things instantly better. Sometimes, it might make things worse. This is not to deter you from having a baby but to prepare you. There will always be an underlying feeling the things you go through in parenthood is something you should’ve “done already,” even if you already have a child.
Two, a loss doesn’t just go away. You don’t wake up one morning and think, ‘I’m all better now!’ Oh how I wish it were that easy. It is something you’ll deal with for the rest of your life. You’ll be fine one moment and then it’ll hit you like a freight train the next.
You’ll hear stories about women with their easy pregnancies and become instant jealous because you wish you had that problem.
You’ll hear parents complain about how much of a brat their child was and you’ll be jealous because you wish you had a bratty child to complain of.
You’ll have resentment of couples who got pregnant without trying or medical intervention while you’re going through numerous treatments for a pregnancy that’s not guaranteed to stick.
Sigh…I know. I know, I know, I KNOW.
But it does get easier. While you’ll have the aforementioned moments and feelings, you’ll also have this incredible joy about your baby and your pregnancy. You’ll feel proud that you had your angel, even if it was only for a brief time. You’re going to smile knowing they’re in Heaven and hope they’re having a good time.
To the new angel parents and those who’ve followed me for a while, here are links to previous posts and an article I will forever link to that, I feel, best describes what angel parents really go through.
The Land of Not OK (<—– I will reblog this post a million times. Though the Mom speaks of having a special needs child, I also feel this can relate to pregnancy and infant loss as well.)
Love and Light,