Something Just Ain’t Right

I have to wonder…is having another baby really necessary?

Having a baby has been everything I’ve expecting: late night, sleepless nights, stinky diapers, weird stains on floors, multitude of toys, toys that aren’t really toys but he wants them anyway.

Having a baby has been everything I wasn’t expecting: I’m alone in this. Not figuratively. Literally.

I’m a special breed – the stay at home working mother. I write and publish, do side projects, and somehow manage to run my household. It’s tough. I work very long hours in addition to always being “on” as a mother.

It’s very fun. It’s also very frustrating.

You see, I don’t get any help. Not from M. sometimes. Definitely not from both sets of grandparents. In fact, Bo’s paternal grandmother refuses to acknowledge Bo as a grandchild (yeah, there are strong racial implications with that). My parents live over 100 miles away and they’ve made it clear unless I’m going down to Palm Springs to visit, I shouldn’t hold my breath for them to come up here to L.A. Needless to say, things are a bit chilly between us.

When M. has a day off, he’ s really not trying to parent unless it’s fun – snuggles during nap and bathtime. Which leaves me doing the rest of the work – cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. I try not to write while he’s home so I can catch up on other stuff. But sometimes I wonder, well, what are you doing? It also doesn’t help that he basically just told he never plans on getting his license. Now, if he’s never going to drive, I’m very hard pressed on having another child. Can you imagine not having any sleep and being the sole driver for a trip with a toddler and a newborn?

We’ve talked about bringing another child into the family and possibly another pet. I’m struggling with both. You see, if it’s just me assuming responsibility 100% of the time with no offers of help, I don’t know if that’s something I want to pursue.

I don’t have a lot of time to wonder about this. I’m about to turn 35 in a couple of weeks so from that moment on out, the time for me to have another baby becomes increasingly shorter by the menstrual cycle. Still, I don’t want to rule out not having any more children. Maybe if I could hire a nanny to come in once or twice a week while I’ll get some writing done and have a couple moments of “me” time during the weekends, that might help.

As far as the driving thing, ugh. I’ve spoken about it before on the blog and honestly, if M. actually knew how much him not driving impacted our relationship (and I’ve told him), I don’t know if it would’ve made a difference. I do feel like I’ve been led on for the past six years, though. The thing is I told him, I told him…I was hesitant on getting married because I knew he would never pursue his license once we did. I’m not sure what a solution to this predicament is going to be now. Exactly what is a happy medium between us where we’re both satisfied with the outcome? I don’t know of one. I do know that I’m very disappointed and honestly, pretty fucking resentful.

I just had a beer so I’m drunk blogging. You can’t say I haven’t been honest about things. It’s a reflection night.


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