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School has officially started, pretty much across America. A lot of kids are either returning to their schools, starting a brand-new one, or entering the final year at the one they’re at. A very exciting time. I remember being excited it was my last year in fifth, eighth, twelfth years and my senior year at college.

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Earlier, one of my April moms posted a picture of her daughter leaving for preschool. I smiled at the photo, though a part of me died a little inside. You see, Ethan, had I carried him to term, would be in preschool now. In fact, he would probably be in preschool as I type this post. I took a moment to myself and just thought about everything. This coming December, it’s going to mark three years since he went to Heaven and sometimes it feels like it just happened.

blussianmommy

The thing about having a rainbow baby is that it’s a reminder that someone came before them and that baby is a reminder of hope and encouragement. It’s not a replacement baby. It’s not a band-aid on a scratch. A new baby isn’t like getting another job, a new car, or starting over with a new relationship. When you bury a child, a part of you dies forever. Period. You can never get that back.

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Over the weekend, we went to Grand Park and had Yoda play in the fountain. We saw kids of all ages, racial and ethinic groups, enjoying the water. M. had an emotional moment as he saw a couple of toddlers playing in the water and thought about Ethan. It’s tough. I think for the rest of our lives, we’re always going to wonder how things would be had Ethan lived. Would we have had Bo last year? Would I be pregnant with Bo now? We will never know.

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How do I feel right now about everything? Well, I feel okay. Typing it out has made it easier to come to terms with everything, though I feel I’m going to forever come to terms with it. I always say to M. that a part of me will long for the one that never did come home.

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