God’s Grace



Today, another one of my IC mamas lost her baby. She was 20 weeks along. It was her third loss. She had previously lost a 16-weeker, a 19-weeker, and now a 20-weeker.

I gave her my thoughts and prayers. And then I went into my bathroom and shed some tears for her. I wondered why. Why her? Why again? She had a TVC, but I’m not sure if it was the McDonald or Shirodkar. It wasn’t the TVCIC, the one I’m getting.

Since my conversation with Dr. Davis a few days ago, I did wonder if I was making the right decision in seeing him. It’ll be costly and more expensive. I’m not sure if my insurance will cover it, so there might be a chance I’ll have to pay out-of-pocket. I briefly wondered, would it be worth it?

And then I read my fellow angel mama’s post.

I know what happened to me was tragic and very unfortunate. I know this. I’m reminded every day that I don’t have a toddler who’s first birthday I’m getting ready to celebrate. I’m reminded all the time the biggest mind-fuck to a pregnant woman is when she’s expecting after a late loss; a constant battle between the Devil and Jesus in my head. I know this.

I also know that my situation was horrible but my fellow angel mama’s situation was much worse.  Actually, correction – her situation is much worse.

Losing Ethan, I can honestly say, was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t imagine going through that pain three times. Today was a reminder that life is so precious and we all shouldn’t take it for granted. And for that reason, I’m willing to do whatever I can to ensure Yoda will not only make full-term, but will be perfectly healthy once he/she is born. I told Maks I didn’t give a damn if I had to pay $10K out-of-pocket to see Dr. Davis; I’ll do it.

Rest in peace, sweet angel. Say hello to my son for me. ❤


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