I’ve been thinking about Ethan a lot lately. As I approach the gestation week where I lost him, he’s constantly on my mind. This might sound silly to some of you but my son visits me. He likes to visit me in my dreams but he often has other ways that he shows up. A few times I swore I saw a spirit of a grown man in my home and I’m convinced that’s Ethan as a teenager/young adult.
I looked at his hospital photos for the first time today in probably months. Normally, I don’t like to visit those photos because they’re a stark reminder that my son is dead. Instead I usually look at the photo we took of him where he looks like he’s sleeping peacefully in a blanket.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I should have a toddler. I should be exhausted from putting him to bed finally. I should be teaching him more English since his Daddy is speaking Russian to him. It’s not fair. I get to see my April 2012 moms boast about their children and I wonder, ‘Yep, I can’t do the same.’ I can’t relate to them to at all.
So many parents take advantage of their children and not realize they’re gifts from God. They get angry with them, scold them, some of them are cruel with both words, actions, and punishment. Some deny their children like they don’t even exist. They have no idea what it is like to plan a funeral for a baby. They have no idea what it’s like wondering, ‘What if…?’ They have no idea of picking out ‘Going Home’ clothing for your child’s memorial. They have no freakin’ idea. It’s not something I’ll just get over it. I’ll never get over it. I can go on and have five more children but I will always remember the one that didn’t come home.
It’s a pain in my heart that I have gotten accustomed to. It’s always there. Some days are better. Some days are worse. I smile more before I cry. I have a 4D picture of Ethan right next to the 4D picture of Yoda and the similarities between the brothers are insane. Yoda looks exactly like his big brother. It’s very bittersweet.
I made a vow to never reveal my son’s face online and I plan to stick to that. I will, however, post the Molly Bear I received by an anonymous donor:
I love you, my beautiful Ethan. Can’t wait to reunite with you in heaven, my sweet boy.