Bittersweet Symphony

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When I had a blog on myspace, I used to name my entries with song titles. I think I’ll carry that tradition over here.

I spoke with Dr. Davis on late Thursday evening. I give him respect for returning my call so late since I’m based in Los Angeles and he’s in New Jersey. We had a lengthy conversation about the TVCIC, the different types of cerclages, and what he recommends for me.

Ideally, I would get the TAC, even though I’m not a fan of invasive surgery. However, since I’m already pregnant, Dr. Davis decided it was best for me to get a TVCIC, which is what I wanted to begin with. With the TAC, I’ll be having major surgery twice – once to put it in and again, for the C-section. That’s a lot for any person within a few months.

Dr. Davis explained that the other two types of cerclage – the McDonald and the Shirodkar – only guarantee success until 24 weeks. After that, it’s a crap shoot. I don’t want a TVC that only guarantees that I carry to 24 weeks and I have to be on bed rest since 13 weeks pregnancy. While I might put myself on some modified bed rest, I do want some flexibility of leaving the house. I’ll be pregnant during the spring and summer. I really like both seasons and it has already sucked some ass that I had to stay in.

So my surgery date is tentatively scheduled for the second week of May, granted if this pregnancy is viable. We’ll know “for sure” come my first prenatal appointment during the first week of April. Yeah, I thought the same thing. The first week of April is a distance away from mid-March. Because I’m still in the first trimester, I can lose little Yoda at any given time and that’s a done deal. Not reassuring to a late loss mama like me but what am I going to do? Beg Dr. Davis to convince me I’m going to carry this baby to term?

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Do I think I’ll miscarry? No. Do I wonder if I’ll miscarry? All. The. Time. It’s the sucky thing about being pregnant after a loss – that fear never goes away. This is my third pregnancy – I lost my first one due to an early miscarriage and my son, Ethan, to a late loss and it took forever to conceive little Yoda. So yes, I worry about a possible miscarriage and not having a take-home baby. I still check when I wipe. I still wonder about every twinge, flutter, cramp I feel.

But as much as I worry, I have to be confident that this is it. I will be a mother to an Earth baby come November. I will sit at the Thanksgiving table with our family and enjoy my plate while Yoda’s cousins, aunts, and uncles ooh and ahh over him/her. I will be nursing my little Yoda on my husband’s birthday and pass the baby over to him so I can take a nap before I start his birthday dinner. That I will be fighting parking space at the mall so Yoda can take his/her first picture with Santa Claus.

I have no choice but to have faith and hope in God that this is it.

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