Tag: pregnancy loss

Ethan, Mommy Commentary

Celebrating Ethan

Eight years ago, my firstborn, Ethan, was born prematurely at just under 23 weeks. He only lived for two hours on December 13, 2011. This year, celebrating his memory has been rather quiet, almost muted. It's not that we don't care anymore; we'll always care, love, and celebrate our baby. It's more of a quiet reflection. As 2019 is drawing to a close, and a brand new decade is
Ethan, Meet the Blussians

Happy Birthday, angel

Celebrating Ethan this year was different. I didn't cry as much as I used to (I'll get to that in a minute)It s, but the impact of his loss was still the same. After putting it off for so long, I finally decided next year, I'm going to get Ethan his grave marker. You're probably wondering why so long since it's been several years (seven to be exact). Well, a
Meet the Blussians

What It’s Really Like To Survive The Death of Your Baby

Weird. That's really all I can muster. It's weird. Not a bad weird. Definitely not a good weird. Not weird. There's a hole within you that will never close. Sometimes it gets bigger and overwhelming. Sometimes it returns back to size. But it never closes. It never heals. It's just kinda...there. I lost Ethan seven years ago and I had Bear five years ago. I still feel someone, something is missing from
Ethan, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

One Sweet Day

It's weird knowing six years ago, I gave birth to one of the most beautiful children I'd ever seen. It's equally weird that I buried him just days later. Ethan, had I carried him to term, would've been five this year. He would've entered kindergarten. As other April 2012 mothers celebrated and posted pictures of their kids' first day in kindergarten, I wondered what could've been. You see, it's different with
Ethan

Why Picking Out Your Son's Grave Marker Really Sucks

Ethan died five years ago and this is something most people who follow me know. I haven't been shy in my grief, and I make it a point to let everyone know I had a son before Bear. What a lot of people don't know is that we haven't purchased a grave marker for Ethan. It's complicated. It really has nothing to do with money nor time. It's the finality of
Meet the Blussians, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Series

I know I'm late in the game posting about this and honestly, I was wondering if I should. Don't get me wrong - I'm not 'over' anything, rather I want to make a post that will consolidate everything into one. It's been a so-so month for me, emotionally-wise. I haven't felt like I was in the dumps but I haven't felt 100%. Fall is usually tricky like that. It's my
Ethan, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

Does Painful Loss Really Get Any Easier Over Time?

October marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and every October for the past few years, I've dedicated the entire month to posting about my experiences with loss and helping other people in similar situations. As I'm preparing for the upcoming month, which is also my birthday month, I'm constantly reminded of fall. You see, I used to love fall and I still do in some ways. I mean, hello,
Ethan, Mommy Commentary

Why Mother’s Day is Still Difficult for Me

[caption id="attachment_1210" align="alignnone" width="2304"] First Mother's Day with Bear.[/caption] Over the last two weeks, I've been bombarded with Mother's Day as I'm sure the rest of the country, if not world. Mother's Day sale here. Mother's Day deals there. Mother's Day in my inbox. Mother's Day when I turn on the TV. Mother's Day. Mother's Day. Mother's Day. (For a surprising history of lesson of how it got started, click here.) I
Ethan, Yoda

Don’t Cry

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRIbf6JqkNc&w=420&h=315] It gets better but it's still pretty shitty. For those new to the blog, I'll share this with you: over four years ago, I lost my firstborn, Ethan, due to incompetent/insufficient cervix. That means, my cervix shortened before term and since Ethan was just a few days short of viability, he couldn't be saved. He lived two hours and peacefully died in my arms with my husband nearby. That