Angel of Mine

Yesterday, I had my NT scan to check to see if Yoda is doing alright. For those who don’t know what a NT scan is, just click this link and it’ll tell you everything you need to know.

So, we had a very eventful trip on the way to the doctor’s. I would rather not go into details about what happened but let’s just say someone’s getting fired. Anyhoo, we arrived at the doctor’s office on time for the appointment. There’s a huge crowd at the doctor’s office. People are standing up against the walls. One of the nurses asked me if I would like to come back in a couple hours since they were way behind.  Not a problem. We walked down the street and had lunch, waiting for a call back.

About a couple hours later, the doctor’s office did call back and we went to the appointment. Yoda was being very stubborn. He was in a tee-pee position with his legs folded and a hand resting on his forehead. Each time the nurse would jiggle my tummy to get him to move, he would wave his hand as if he were saying, ‘Don’t bother me, I’m trying to sleep.’ (I think that’s what I get for eating right before a doctor’s appointment.)

My MFM finally came in and he tried to get Yoda to jiggle and move. He took a plethora of scans and asked us if we wanted to know what Yoda was. We were curious so I took a gander and guessed boy. My reasoning? Vaginas don’t dangle.

See? Vaginas don’t dangle. Told you so!

Well, it’s not entirely sure that Yoda is a boy but that’s what we’re thinking. We decided we’re not confirming until birth. When I found out that Yoda might be a boy, I had a strange reaction. I was sad. It wasn’t due to gender disappointment; I’m honestly happy for whatever God gives me. But it was memories of finding out Ethan was a boy. It was very strong. I fought back tears and bit my lip. I was a little somber for the rest of the day.

Yoda has the same mannerisms as his big brother. They have the same jawline, the same smile, the same stubbornness, lol. I told Maks a part of the reason why I was so emotional was I can’t stand the thought of losing yet another son. I’m still dealing with – and will always deal with – Ethan’s passing. I can’t handle two.

It’ll take me a while to deal with this. Again, I don’t have gender disappointment and I really didn’t have a preference on boy or girl. I guess I’m feeling this might be a do-over, a second chance, maybe to raise the son I didn’t get to raise. One of my Angel Moms gave me some really great advice: she said God will give you what He thinks you need.

Maybe God felt I needed another son.

rainbow baby

In other news, my cerclage is scheduled for next Saturday morning. Just weeks ago, it felt like this day would never come, and now it’s here. This is one of many milestones I need to meet. Slowly but surely, it feels like everything is coming together.



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