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I have to say it was rather endearing – at first – to be labeled a boy mom. I’m a mother of a boy, so yeah, boy mom. Sweet and simple. When Bear was younger, he often went with me everywhere – we constantly had park dates, McDonald’s dates, and frequently lunch and dinner dates. He was rather known around our old city of Highland Park. It was very rare to see me and you didn’t see Bear.
However, I’ve always taught Bear to be rather independent at a young age. Not that I wasn’t emotionally available, but I wanted him to have a life outside of being Mom’s buddy. That strategy has paid off – Bo has plenty of hobbies that keep him entertained and a very active social life (more active than mine! LOL).
But of course, social media and just plain weirdo-ass women won’t let us have nice things.
Now, I’m pretty sure the women who treat their sons as surrogate husbands because clearly their real husband ain’t shit don’t see the issue with their behavior. But as a woman who is a mother to a boy, and has to deal with an-law who is very much a boy mom, it’s a problem. A big one.
Let’s get into it.
When I first started dating my husband, it quickly occured to me I was dating a Mama’s Boy and that was unfamiliar territory for me. You see, when I had my other exes, they had close relationships with their mothers, which I respected. Some told their mothers everything which I didn’t like, but the mothers never intruded.
Then came my current in-law, Natalia.
Natalia, because she had her sons at a very young age (she had Maks at 21 and his brother, Alex, at 24), and had to deal with being a single parent during various times of her marriage to their father (they’re still married), never allowed herself to separate between being a parent who’s watchful over her children and being someone who is emotionally (and eventually financially) dependent on them.
As a result, both men had a duty, if you will, to always make sure their mother was taken care of. Now, that’s not the problem. I’m sure every child wants to ensure their parents have enough food, clothing, water, and time for themselves and to do fun things.
It occurred to me I wasn’t dating a Mama’s Boy – I was on the warpath of a Boy Mom.
You constantly hear about athletes, singers, and just regular-degular people buying their moms’ homes, sending them on expensive vacations, etc. to show their appreciation. I often clean my mother’s 3000+ square foot home, free of charge, so she doesn’t have to do it.
I told Maks when we were dating it felt like I was dating both him and his mother because she frequently called during our dates. We only saw each other during the weekends, so Natalia called Maks the entire weekend just to see what we were doing. Every weekend. Every date. If you’re thinking, ‘Wow, she called too damn much!’ you would be absolutely right.
When we got married, there was a noticeable cold front from her. She was still nice but it was clear, there was another married woman in the family. She tried to do a bit of a hierachy between us, and I think it bothered her (still does), that I truly don’t care. However, when Bear was born, I feel Natalia saw me as competition for Maks’s attention, and not as a new mother to his son. To this day, I feel that way about her amongst everything else.
Fucking weirdo behavior, yo.
And thus, beget a Cold War of sorts between us with Maks in the middle. Natalia has made snarky comments (in addition to the racist and misogynistic ones) about how I let Maks do whatever he pleases. Well, he’s a grown-ass man; not my son. Natalia comments on everything – from where we live to how we live to how we’re raising Bear; you name it, and she’s said some real slick shit about it.
Meanwhile, her husband and Maks’s father, Victor, couldn’t care less about her. He’s brought home Covid to her four times so far, with two of those illnesses being almost deadly. Whenever Natalia gets sick, Victor checks out and openly complians about how he doesn’t want to take care of her. Oh, and Victor is a stone-cold alcoholic.
Natalia more than likely thinks I have it easy and just like other SAHMs, I don’t. Between my writing career, my volunteer work, and making sure my son and hubby are sane and happy, I don’t have a lot of free time to give. And I damn sure am not trying to impede on someone’s life because I hate mine.
What does Natalia have to do with boy moms – she can’t let go. No matter how old her son is, she can’t let go. I’m fortunate to not be the only woman who has to deal with her; Alex’s girlfriend, Kristina, has had her fair share of confrontations with Natalia over her behavior as well (Kristina is white).
At what point is it one just wants to have a healthy line of communication and at what point does one think they’re the Queen of England?
So, when I see women talk about how they are their son’s first loves, and that they’ll let go of correctable behavior because boys will be boys, I can’t help but think what example are they setting for other women? If a woman has a legitimate problem with the man she’s dating, is she going to get blamed because the mother has excused the behavior for so long?
Where is the fine line between a boy being silly to a man doing actual harm to women? How long will the behavior go unchecked before someone – another person in authority or even the law – will check that behavior for them?
And what about future girlfriends? Maks told me his parents hated all of his girlfriends and it occurred to me it was because they saw them as competition. I also told him a lot of his mother’s attitude towards me has been because of that. Instead of being a mentor to me, Natalia immediately saw me and any other woman in the family as a threat. And it didn’t matter what our roles were – wives, girlfriends, cousins, grandparents, aunts – if you were a woman, she didn’t like you automatically.
Unfortunately, Natalia is at that age where she will only get worse and not better with her behavior, no matter how many times she’s been corrected. And because Natalia has no friends, no outside hobbies, no job, and essentially no life outside her husband and sons, they will be the only she wants to know.
Which brings me back to Boy Moms.
A Boy Mom will always see her son as the first, last, and everything. It doesn’t matter what her daughters (if she has any) will achieve. No, it’s what her son can do for her. And these Boy Moms almost always have something in common – they don’t have a good relationship with the father at all.
While steering clear of Boy Moms will be impossible, every woman should know how to deal with them. A Boy Mom, no matter how old she is, should never cost you your peace.
