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Note: This is a sensitive post so if this is uncomfortable for you to read, please skip.
I can look back at my life and say I was bullied throughout my educational years. Elementary, middle, high school, and even college. Hell, I was even bullied at home by family and other relatives.
I was never the popular girl and honestly, I didn’t want to be. I was content with what I liked and what I wanted. I was comfortable in who I was and what I wanted to be. I know now that a lot of people don’t like young, Black women who are confident within themselves and will try to break them down at every chance they can.
While I got picked on for being ugly (and I was an ugly duckling, I can admit), I was the treatment I received from the girls that really left an indelible mark on me. You see, when men pick on you, you can ignore them. Eventually, they’ll get tired of it and move onto another target. When girls pick on you, however, it’s a whole different level of petty.
Years ago, when I joined Facebook, I received an odd friend request by a girl named Janelle. I remembered Janelle rather vividly. She was tall, skinny, biracial, and popular. And Janelle hated me. Boy, did she hate me.
It wasn’t a colorist thing; Janelle had many other friends who were dark-skinned and even darker than me. I really think I was too nerdy for her. Maybe I wasn’t Black enough. Maybe I sounded odd when I tried to use slang. I still don’t know why I was the eye of her ire, but I was. She would talk about me to whoever she could, and just was a nasty piece of work.
Honestly, Janelle was a nasty piece of work to a lot of people. She treated her siblings horribly and was very nasty to her mother. Janelle also had the weird distinction of having one of the lowest GPAs I had ever heard of in my entire life, still to this day – 0.5 GPA.
Eventually, she left school and then I heard she joined the military. When she popped back up on Facebook some years later, I double-blinked at the request. That Janelle? The one who hated me? The one who made my life a living hell for a whole year?
It had been years since high school and her friend request and I no longer held anger towards her. But I still couldn’t help but wonder why the request? Did she really change or did she want to be nosy?
Another bully of mine was my old college roommate, Teresa. She was just a nasty piece of work herself to the point where I hated even coming home to see her and would purposely try to spend as much time outside our dorm. The funny thing is we went to a Christian university.
Teresa ended up sleeping with my then-boyfriend and I found out about a year later. The funny thing about that is she was actually mad at me because she thought I was trying to hook up with a guy she wanted (I was actually trying to set them up).
We kept in contact but fell apart until once again, Facebook. Teresa had gotten married, had children, and seemed to live a productive life. Janelle is not married with children, but she’s been in a long-term relationship for many years. She’s also a yoga instructor.
As I became friendly and even friends with these women, I thought about everything. They never knew how much they hurt back then and honestly, they still don’t know unless they read this blog post. I thought about confronting them. I thought about just dismissing them. I ran so many scenarios in my mind.
I can name my other bullies just as easily – Kephyan, who is now a minister. Charlie, who is now a successful businessman. Dedrick Gage, Untinet Patrick (who threw away a yearbook of mine because she’s a nappy-headed ho), T.J. Dorsey, and many others. Four of those men are now ‘friends’ with me. As friend as Facebook friends are concerned.
And I decided on forgiveness. Not for them, but for me.
I didn’t want to spend my life being angry at anyone and I still don’t. I try very hard to create a happy life and a peaceful one. I don’t like confrontation nor do I want anyone to feel they can mess with me. I always tell people they have one opportunity to disrespect me and that’s the only one they’re getting. I can’t be responsible for my actions towards them any other time.
When Bear started to get bullying in kindergarten, I sent a very angry letter to the teacher and let her know that if it continues, I’ll teach Bear how to defend himself by any means necessary and what that entails would be between me and God. My son will not be punked.
Teresa and Janelle ended up reaching out to me in other ways. Janelle was a big support when I lost Ethan, and so was Teresa. And it took me a long time to make amends with these women.
I had to learn it was them, not me. They didn’t like my confidence. They were jealous. They were resentful. They were very unhappy with themselves. They wanted to create misery and agony to everyone around them. With people like that, you can’t help.
Some will try to knock you down and bring you to their level. Some will be so hateful, you wonder what kind of growing up did they have to be so damn cunt-like. And that’s when you show those bullies, they don’t define you; you do.
Janelle and Teresa both went through very trying times and were served humble pie a lot though those times. So did my other bullies, quite honestly, They were humbled a whole lot. I guess it shows that you can be big shit in high school and college, but in real life, none of that shit makes a difference. I do feel life experiences did change their outlook and possibly played a role in how they’ll treat others from this moment forth.
I hope these ladies (and everyone else) also know, if they read this blog post, I do forgive them for their transgressions. No hard feelings from me. Life is too short and I’m way too fly to have any negative feelings weigh me down.
