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PAIL: Pregnancy and Infant Loss.
October is recognized as PAIL awareness, honoring our lost babies and helping other mothers to know they’re not alone.
In the years past, I’ve always lit a candle in honor of our son, Ethan, who was born prematurely at 22 weeks. This year, I did the same as I always did. However, things were a bit different this year.
I did it quietly.
I talk about my loss so people know there was a child before Bear and when I have more children, Ethan will be included in that number. This year, however, was a bit different.
Being the mother of a kindergartner, I’m still getting used to a routine. Being up early, going to bed late. Cramming all of my errands and chores in the mere six hours a day (for at least four days of the week) Bear is in school, I’ve quickly learned I don’t have enough hours in the day. In fact, my planner that I’ve depended on before, has been rather blank because well, I’m too busy to remember to use it!
Being the mother of a kindergartner, however, also reminds me of an important detail: I should have another child in elementary.
Had Ethan lived, he would be 8 this year. He lived for two hours. The odds of him surviving and being a thriving child would’ve been very slim. I know we sometimes hear of the stories of a child born prematurely making it against the odds. However, in Ethan’s case, the odds were greatly stacked against him. It’s a fact I’ve come to accept over the years, though the loss is still a painful reminder of what currently isn’t.
As I’m processing everything, I decided this would be a good time to retreat and reflect. I haven’t been on social media as much nor have wasted too much time doing other things. I needed to be in my solitude.
The grieving process has its peaks and valleys. There is never one way to grieve and people grieve differently. One year, I might be sobbing beyond recognition and the next, it might be a quiet reflection.
We can never predict grief, no matter how much we would like to think we do.
I miss Ethan a lot. Not a day goes by I don’t think of him. And I often wonder what would he be doing. Would he be in baseball? Would he like soccer? Would he be into trains and Minecraft like his little brother? Would he love to do crafts?
As the time approaches his birthday once again, the mood around here is a bit somber as it usually is every fall. We celebrate all of our birthdays as they fall into succession. We’re excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas.
And we always honor Ethan.
