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My father recently died. While his death wasn’t that much of a surprise since he’d been sick for a long while, the quick deterioration of his health leading to his death was a shock. It also meant I had to explain to my 9 1/2 year old son about death.
It’s not like I’m shielding Bear from the world. He was very active with me during the BLM protests in 2020 and with his father (my husband) in the Ukrainian protests in 2022. We also had a long explanation with him about how sometimes people die suddenly due to other people (George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery) and sometimes with no fault of their own but circumstance (Russian invasion).
Bear and my father had a very close relationship. They talked via FaceTime almost on a daily basis and the last time Bear saw his grandfather alive was on Father’s Day this year, when we went to see him at the skilled nursing home. When I got word that my father had passed, I picked up Bear early from his summer school and took him to a quiet place at the school. He already knew.
“I’ll miss Grandpa. He was a good man to you and Aunt Nikki,” was all Bear said.
I asked him over several days if he wanted to talk about it, and he said he didn’t. I didn’t push it. I figured he’ll talk about it when he’s ready. Since my father’s death, Bear has mentioned little by little in some things. He revealed to some of his online friends that his grandfather was a Vietnam veteran who recently died, and he was sad.
Again, I didn’t push the subject. I also told him he could talk to me whenever he was ready. He nodded and went to play Roblox.
It occurred to me Bear was dealing with grief in his own way and maybe Mommy didn’t need to intrude. So far, there have been no behavioral changes. Once there are, I’ll definitely seek counseling.
I decided to share my tips on how to navigate talking to your child about death and what to expect.
Be honest.
Now isn’t the time to sugarcoat death. People die. Pets die. Be honest with your child without hurting their feelings. I told Bear his grandpa was dying and he wasn’t going to make it. Bear knew from every step.
Talk about the good memories.
Bear and my father would talk about everything together. Grandpa would ask Bear how his day was and if he had any girlfriends yet.
Give them space.
This is a tough one because, as parents, we immediately want to solve everything when it comes to our kids. Death is one of those things you can’t easily solve. Give them as much space as needed. They’ll let you know when they’re ready to talk.
And maybe, you might not be the person they want to talk to.
Seek counseling/therapy if needed.
If something is above your pay grade, there is no harm in seeking counseling. Check with your insurance company or local resources. Also, ask any of your parent friends. Someone always knows someone who is a therapist.
Do something nice in memory of your loved one.
My dad loved sports and was an active fan of watching the Dodgers, Raiders, and Lakers. I plan to take Bear to at least a Dodgers game soon in honor of my dad. What was something your loved one liked? Plant a flower in honor of them or donate to a charity in their name.
