Do I Really Want Another Baby?

Amazing how just a short while ago, I said I was doing everything I can to be in the best physical and financial shape before we started trying. Started from the bottom and now we’re here.

And now we’re…HERE???

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Beyonce was last week and let me tell you, the woman can put on an amazing show! Everything from the production to the singing to the dancing….spectacular! The only concert that was better was Prince’s and that’s a pretty high standard. I didnt get the poster I wanted but I did manage to pick up a T-shirt:

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So now that Bouncy has bounced off into the sunset, and I’m on CD2, now I’m wondering…am I ready?

I’ll be 37 in a few weeks (yes, Black don’t crack) so I have to keep in mind that when I’m 40, I’m going to have two toddlers and possibly a third rainbow, God willing. I know what you might be thinking – there are plenty of mothers who are 40, active, and they have no problems. I know that.

Besides the longing for another baby, I’m also wondering if I can really handle the jump from one kid to two children.

You see, there will be a little bit of an age difference between Bear and his siblings. I hope the gap won’t be too big and I really want all children to be relatively close in age. Besides that, I really enjoy the freedom of having one kid. Granted, he’s in preschool part-time and he’s becoming more independent with each day.

I do wonder…am I rushing into having another kid so soon?

It was a concern I had earlier this year when we were trying and we took a break and honestly, it’s still a concern. Not a major one to the point of postponing but wondering if I would be able to equally divide my time between a toddler, an infant, and my writing? Oh yeah, and the husband, too.

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We don’t really have a lot of family near us and if you followed this blog for a while, you know how I feel about my mother-in-law’s severe lack of effort so no need to rehash (for those new, she’s only physically seen Bear twice since his birth, despite the fact she only lives 30 minutes away and is the closest living grandmother. No, nothing is wrong with her other than she has a cold, dead heart).

I have to really consider the fact I’ll be once again doing this all by myself or we might have to schedule a babysitter to come in once a week so I can get some Me time. I don’t have the luxury of other friends and fellow moms where they could drop off their children with their parents who’ll happily watch them for free. I’ll also need to budget time and money for a sitter.

And eventually, there’s the cost factor. Another child soon will also mean they’ll be in preschool either around the same time Bear is or when he’ll graduate up to kindergarten. We’re not rich by any means but we’re on our way to finally being comfortable after years of struggling and honestly, I kinda like that financial freedom.

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I feel like my fear is holding me back from something potentially great and fulfilling. As I’m getting older, my biological clock is becoming louder and it’s a hard alarm to shut off. It’s something I need to work on and try to quiet the worrying noise in the background.

In the meanwhile, I’ll start my TTC routine and let’s see what happens from here. I might be pregnant by the end of the year or it might take a while.

I can only try.

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Ooh on the TTC Tip…Am I Really Ready for Another Baby Now?

Several months ago, Maks and I decided to take a break from TTC to focus on Bear and get ourselves together (click here for a refresher).

Despite what anyone tells you, time is fast. Incredibly fast. Like Usain Bolt taking a jog in the 100 meters fast.

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As we’re steadily approaching the time for us to start trying again, I’m anxiously getting prepared. I’m paying off debt. I’m catching up on some. We’re eating way healthier now and becoming a lot more active. Our home isn’t so cluttered and we’ve made plans to upgrade a lot of things within the next six months.

And yet…it still feels like we’re not ready.

I know, I know. I know all too well – you’re never ready. We can be totally debt-free, living in a museum-like home, and have bodies that rival Mr. Olympia participants, and we’d never be ready. That’s the challenge of parenting – you think you’re ready but you have no idea.

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Bear is still in diapers, though I’m anxious to get him out of them ASAP. He’s thriving in school (he only goes part-time) and he’s talking a ton more. In turn, I’ve been more productive in the home and also in my writing ventures. I’ve also shed a few pounds that I’ve gained and feel happier overall.

And yet…it still feels like I’m not ready.

The more squishy and chunky babies I see, the more my biological clock is shouting at me, demanding I occupy my uterus. Age, who was once my good friend and I still consider her a homie, is tapping her feet and giving me a look of, ‘Okay, sis, what are we doing here?’

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Yeah…what are we doing?

I don’t know if we’re going to start this cycle or wait until another like originally planned (probably the latter). The reason for the delay was so I wouldn’t be pregnant at my long-awaited Beyonce concert I’m attending in a few weeks.

Yeah. I get to see King Bey herself. Floor seats, yo.

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So yeah, as I contemplate where I’m at in my life with where I want to be, I can’t help but to think a big part of me does want another baby and rather soon. It was never my intention to have just one baby and I would love to make Bear a big brother.

I guess we should get started on it…that is, after Beyonce.

Doing Just Fine

Waiting my turn…

That’s my theme for 2016. Waiting my turn. While that could apply to just about anything, it really applies to just one thing – pregnancy.

It seems like when you want to have a baby, all you see are pregnant tummies, people announcing their births, people announcing they’re expecting…

And then there’s me…with nothing.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my son and he’s my world. Every day is an adventure with him and I really cherish the time that it’s the two of us. I’ve been told by many having one kid is super easy and it becomes challenging when there’s two or more, which I believe. Babysitting my nephews when they were younger and picking them up from school, practice, etc., was a challenge and I was only the babysitter. I can’t imagine doing it when I was a mother back then.

I’ve always seen myself with a gaggle of kids. I come from a big family and I would like to have a extra-large medium of my own.

I have to wait my turn.

Remember my Fertile Myrtle cousin? Well, she just gave birth to the twins and although they’re in the NICU, they’re doing pretty well. As she celebrated her babies’ births, I was wondering, “Well, that sucks…she can have four kids under three and I’m stuck twiddling my thumbs.”

And then I thought…she has four kids under three…how jealous am I really? 

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You see, Bear is going to be 3 this year. I may have a baby by the time he’s born, I may be pregnant with one, or none of the above will occur. I just don’t know and furthermore, God isn’t saying anything. I don’t want to be so hung up in TTC that I forget I have a wonderful toddler…a single child who deserves all of my attention.

I started up my fitness again, walking 10 miles so far this week. The goal is 20 miles a week and something I did all last summer and fall before I took the Fat Break aka winter holidays. I’ve also cleared out the mind clutter and in the process of clearing out the physical clutter. So far, it’s made a huge difference. Maks and I plan to do a lot of traveling and I’m very excited about that and where we’re going.

So yeah, I am bummed I’m not pregnant yet but I’m excited I will be, I just don’t know when. I decided to pour all of my attention to Bear and my writing career as I patiently wait my turn.

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Shake It Off

I learned a valuable lesson this week…

Always…

ALWAYS…

Listen to your body.

As many of you may know, Maks and I have been TTC for Rainbow Baby #2. It’s had its ups and downs but we both realized not being stressed out about it was benefitting both of us. (See Big News for a refresher.)

I have two fertility apps on my phone – Fertility Friend and Period Tracker. Both of them claimed I was going to be fertile for the first few days of 2016 and I would ovulate on Tuesday.

Good thing I decided to have a third opinion.

I always, always, ALWAYS will recommend to any woman who is TTC and especially to my TTC after 35 ladies, to use OPKs. If you are willing to spend the money for them, I suggest you get the Clearblue Digital ones. You can’t go wrong – smiley face if you’re about to ovulate, clear circle if not.

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So, I’ve been tracking my ovulation on the apps and taking the OPKs. We’ve been pretty tired to have any sex but I wasn’t concerned because I was getting mixed signals. My body was telling me no while the apps were telling me yes. Huh? What’s going on here? Did I miss my window? Did I ovulate earlier than originally expected? Am I going to ovulate later than originally expected?

Turns out, I’m ovulating NOW. Three days later.

So, we’ll see what happens. Fingers crossed!

 

Big News!

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I’ve been meaning to post an update regarding our TTC but just haven’t been able to sit down to have some time to do it. Well, here it is!

For a long while, I always wanted 40 to be the cutoff age on having children. No specific reason or goal; I just didn’t want to be pregnant past 40. Of course, I’m 36 now so that gave me a very short window to conceive more children.

As I tracked my ovulation with OPKs, charted with fertility apps, and have been really mindful of my diet and exercise, I’ve also been a bit worried. Getting pregnant has never been relatively easy for me; it took almost a year to conceive Bear and several months to conceive Ethan.

And of course, conceiving is not necessarily the fun-let’s-have-sex-all-the-time activity society likes you to believe. It can be stressful, especially if you’re not conceiving in the time you thought you would.

So Maks asked me – Does 40 have to be your cutoff?

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I began to think about it. What was the real reason for me to stop trying to get pregnant at 40 other than age? And honestly, that was only it. It was just an age thing.

So, we decided to let God take over and bless us with whatever. It doesn’t mean we’re going to be the interracial version of the Duggers (for fuck’s sake, I sincerely hope not!) but it means I won’t stress out about getting pregnant any longer. And hopefully soon, I’ll share some news that I’m pregnant with rainbow baby #2!

Merry Christmas, everyone!