I Should Have a Four Year Old

IMG_1457

I should be planning a birthday party. I should make sure the cake is made just right. It might be Paw Patrol one. It might be Thomas & Friends. I should have the numerous gifts picked out because although Christmas was just a short time ago, a birthday only comes once a year.

I should have local Mom friends who I regularly meet for coffee because we met at the preschool/day care where our children are best friends. I should be trying to figure out how to tell our parents not to give him that super-expensive toy that he doesn’t need and will probably only play with it once and just put the money in his trust.

I should.

But I don’t.

Because although I should have a four year old, I only have memories.

April is a so-so month for me.

You see, I used to like April. For some reason, it was always my favorite month despite my birthday in October. I guess April represents spring, a new beginning, and it’s closer to summer, which is my favorite season.

And five years ago, well, I didn’t like April that much.

I had my first miscarriage in April 2011. It was like I found out I was pregnant and a few days later, I wasn’t. At least the trip to the ER was pleasant and my EMTs were pretty nice.

I became pregnant with Ethan a short time later and everything was fine until it wasn’t. I went into premature labor on December 12th and gave birth December 13th. I’ve been pretty open about my loss so just check on the Ethan tab if you want to know more of the history.

My miscarriages will forever be tied to each other – my original April miscarriage should’ve been a December 2011 baby. Ethan’s original due date was April 20th.

I’m still friends with quite a few mothers from my April 2012 board. They’re amazing women and I love them dearly. Yet, I’m jealous of them. They’ve had four years with their babies, watching them grow into small children. I had two hours.

I keep wondering what Ethan would be into. Would he like carrots or would he hate them like his little brother? What type of music would he like? What would be his favorite book? I think Noddy would’ve been his favorite cartoon. I always feel a strong connection with this particular cartoon.

Every April I’m reminded that I don’t have a small child. Yes, I have Bear and I love him dearly. Bear, however, is a November 2013 baby. He’s not and will never be an April 2012 baby.

It’s one of those things I’m still coming to terms with and honestly, I think I’ll forever come to terms with. It gets easier over the years. It doesn’t hurt as much, but when it does, it feels like a Mack truck sideswiped me.

So yeah, I should have a four year old. Instead, I only have memories.

 

 

Advertisements

Be Alright

)

What a difference a year makes.

I’m typing this post with a semi-sleepy Yoda on my boob. I’m sure you wanted to know that but you can’t deny I’ve been honest for this long so why hold back now?

A year ago, I found out I was pregnant and I remember I had a flurry of emotions go through me. The biggest emotion was relief. We were trying for a year. We both went through a battery of testing, all of them turned out normal. We were mentally exhausted (not to mention, physically) and we decided to take a break for a few months and start up again with medical intervention. I was researching IUI treatments at the time.

And then it happened. I remember it being a Thursday evening and I suddenly felt sick. I took a test and it was a pink dye one but it was also pretty faint.

test1

I showed M. the test and we pretty much had the same reaction – let’s not get our hopes up.

I retested the following Friday and the test was no better.

test2

 

We decided since my period was going to come by Monday morning, we’ll test then. I remember I could barely sleep the night before because I was so nervous. I was either pregnant or I was going to delay trying again for a while. It was pretty much black and white.

And then this happened…

test3

 

My only reaction was running into the other bathroom where my husband was, jumping up and down, yelling, ‘We did it! We did it!’

bump1
My first bump pic at 4 weeks. All bloat and fat there. But damn, I look good.

Crazy. A year ago I found out I was pregnant and started this blog shortly afterward. A year later, I have this to show for:

bump2
This was taken sometime last week.

Future Baby Mama

You know, I really need to start being more timely with these posts. I’m totally slacking. 😛

blussianmom

 

Those are my new (read: expensive) glasses. I haven’t updated my glasses since high school (seriously) and my contacts in five years. Well, my vision hasn’t changed that much in terms of my contacts, but I’m sure they’ve changed pretty drastically with my glasses. M calls me his hipster wife. I wear that title proud. 🙂

How far along? 36 weeks, according to LMP.

Weight gain/loss?  None. No weight gain at all entire pregnancy.

Symptoms: I started getting a serious case of acid reflux/heartburn and it just sucks. It only occurs at night, which sucks even harder.
Mood: Calm before the storm? I was feeling very overwhelmed for a while but now I’m fine, just prepared now.
Sleep: Not much. Been getting up to go pee a lot more now.
Best moment of the week? Getting a lot more baby swag. My mom sent up a crib set – mattress pad, bedding, etc. We already have the crib.
Sex/Name of baby? Boy. His name is definitely Bogdan (Bawg-dan). Bogdan Michael.
Food cravings? Nothing really.
Belly button status? Still an innie but shallow.
Movement? A lot of it. Very active when I first wake up and throughout the day.
What you miss? Sleeping through the night! Getting up to pee several times really sucks!
What are you looking forward to? Getting my cerclage removed next week. I will officially ditch the stitch!
What are you nervous about? I just want my baby to be alive and healthy.

 

Future Baby Mama

I’m a day late and dollar short but I didn’t forget about this post. This one is special because it’s my BARE belly. Yeah, BARE. Stretch marks, dirty mirror, and all.

photo (3)l

How far along? 35 weeks, according to LMP.

Weight gain/loss?  None. No weight gain at all entire pregnancy.

Symptoms: Getting cankles. Ew.
Mood: Calm before the storm? I was feeling very overwhelmed for a while but now I’m fine, just prepared now.
Sleep: Not much. Been getting up to go pee a lot more now.
Best moment of the week? Getting a lot more baby swag.
Sex/Name of baby? Boy, leaning towards Bogdan.
Food cravings? Macaroni and cheese. I’ll eat that as a meal and that’s it.
Belly button status? Still an innie but shallow.
Movement? A lot of it. Very active when I first wake up and throughout the day.
What you miss? Sleeping on my stomach.
What are you looking forward to? Making 36 weeks!
What are you nervous about? I just want my baby to be alive and healthy.

 

We Got a Love Thang

So we pretty much have everything we need for Yoda’s arrival. Well, everything but the tub. Finding a good tub is hard. We want a tub that’s good quality and can last for at least a couple of years, well into toddlerdom. Though, we did receive this gem at the baby shower:

ducky
Click on the picture for a link to purchase.

This tub is just too flippin’ cute but I need to get a smaller one for Yoda for the time being.

Originally, I wanted M’s parents to get Yoda’s tub but they’re insistent on getting it after he arrives. Their thought process is an interesting one; they feel if they buy baby stuff before he arrives, it’ll send evil spirits to our home to harm me and the baby. They’re not religious people but they believe in evil spirits. Huh? Yes, take a moment to process that.

Now, while I understand respect scratching my head don’t get why they feel that way, it is what it is. However, I’m a planner and I like to plan things ahead even if no one else in my families do. I also don’t want to be in a position where I’m dependent on them for something and it when it comes time for that one thing, there are reasons why I can’t have it; lack of money being one of those.

So M and I started shopping around for a newborn tub. There are so many. There are too many. What the hell? I just want a simple tub that will guarantee Yoda won’t drown and will stay put while he doesn’t pee on me.

Here are the top contenders:

tub
Link to purchase is on the picture.

bluetub

I like The First Years Sure Comfort Deluxe Newborn-to-Toddler Tub with Sling because it does come with a sling for a newborn and I can keep this tub when Yoda is a toddler. Also, it’ll be nice to have when Yoda’s other siblings arrive.

whaletub
Link to purchase is on the picture.

This tub is the Fisher-Price Precious Planet Whale of a Tub. It’s actually pretty cute and would fit in our kitchen sink and very easily in our bathtub. It’s also good for toddlers.

puj

A friend recommended the puj. I’m not too keen on it. It looks…hmm…weird. I think that’s the word I’m looking for. Weird. It folds for storage as seen below:

foldedpuj

I think a part of the reason why I’m not sold on the puj is because it’s clearly for newborns. If Yoda comes out weighing an estimated 8-9 pounds like my doctors are predicting, he won’t be in this bathtub very long. In fact, he probably won’t be in this bathtub past the first week!

So we have a few options but we’re probably going to go for one of the top two choices. Now we got that out of the way, let’s discuss how he should be bathed:

I’ll be honest: I really had no idea there was a science to bathing a newborn. I didn’t know bathing soaps were optional when it comes to newborns and I also didn’t know a newborn shouldn’t be bathed until the umbilical cord stump has fallen off. What the hell? I’m going to be a Mommy (again) soon! I don’t know any of this shit!

Remember when I said I was feeling overwhelmed? Yeah. It just tripled now.