My Mind Playing Tricks on Me

Ugh, I hate the 2WW.

I’m going to keep it real. My willpower isn’t great. It’s actually pretty crappy when it comes to pregnancy testing. I’m pretty good at waiting for other things that I really want. But when I have several pregnancy tests that amount to maybe less than a dollar each…my willpower shrinks to nothing.

So I’ve tested…a lot. Maybe too much.

Yeah, negative. I think. Not sure.

I really hate two pink line tests. If you test too early, you think you see a line that’s not there.

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That was earlier today. It wasn’t even fresh morning urine (FMU). Historically, all of my positives came out sometime during the afternoon so I don’t know how true the FMU theory is, at least for me. But what I see up there is a negative. Given the fact my period is still a week away, I still have some time, though traditionally, my luteal phase is roughly 13 days.

So I’m on my way to pick up some FRERs (First Response Early Results) since those have never lied to me. Le sigh. The TTC process is so stressful.

Here’s a happy video of Bear to end this on a good note.

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The Humpty Dance

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I’m currently on CD 12 and we’re doing the Sperm Meets Egg Plan. I found some old OPKs from years ago (I think they’re still good) and I’ve been checking my CM, which has been egg white. I was a little surprised to see Mr. Happy Face early morning today. Not sure if it’s the Fertibella or if my cycle has stopped being mad at me. My most recent period was actually one of the nicer ones I’ve had in a while. Due to the fibroids issue, my periods have always been pretty heavy and this last one was nice. I didn’t feel like I was about to bleed out.

In other news, I’m thinking about vlogging my TTC and subsequent pregnancy. I’m still trying to work on the details now so hopefully I’ll put something up on YouTube within the next few days. I’ll keep you posted here.

Now we should dance and dance until we can’t dance anymore. In honor of me ovulating, let’s have a party.

Future Baby Mama…Soon?

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It’s about that time.

To TTC.

I’m currently on CD 9 and I’ll start tracking my ovulation in a couple of days. Ideally, I would’ve already been pregnant with Rainbow Baby #2 and possibly, would’ve given birth. Life is funny that way. You have an idea of how you want things to go and oops, not quite.

I’m excited. The more round preggo tummies I’m seeing, the more I want to be pregnant again. I’m also little apprehensive. I’m 35 (yeah, really I am; Black don’t crack!), so time isn’t on my side nowadays. I was 32 when I gave birth to Ethan and just turned 34 when I gave birth to Bo. I’m officially AMA or Advanced Maternal Age. I hate that term. It makes me sound all geriatric.

I’m trying to get more in shape. I’ve been walking a ton (upwards to 20 miles a week) and I’ve recently began meditating to calm my spirit and my nerves (a great app called Stop, Breathe, and Think helps a lot). So whenever you hear me say I’m not trying to get on a diet or actively lose weight, that’s why.

I’m going to order the Fertibella again and see what happens. I don’t know for sure if it helped me get pregnant last time but I don’t know if it didn’t. A part of me wonders if I’ll be able to handle two small children under 3. A part of me wonders if this will be my only chance. I also wonder if my fibroids are also under control so it won’t impede with the growth of said baby.

I wonder, wonder, wonder.

So wish us luck! I’ll keep everyone informed of the progress of how it’s coming along. Hopefully, I’ll have some great news to share soon! ❤

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TTC unsolicited advice

For those who are still trying, I’ll tell you what I did. Keep in mind, it wasn’t just one solid thing. If anything, it was a perfect storm:

  • Acupuncture (it really calmed down my nerves and made me focus on things that weren’t pregnancy/baby-related)
  • Exercising daily (Again, just to calm my nerves and besides, I wanted to look and feel better)
  • More fruits and veggies and a lot of water to flush out my system.
  • Lots of sex (of course!)
  • Lots of Prayer
  • Pre-Seed
  • Fertibella (I have to note on the Fertibella: I’m not sure if it helped or not. I did start taking it in January and I found out I was pregnant, with still a week to go in my second bottle, so take this news with a grain of salt. I can’t say for sure it did work; I can’t say for sure it didn’t work.)

For those still trying, please don’t give up hope. I’ve been in despair, I’ve been angry, I’ve been numb. Even just a short while ago, I wondered, ‘Maybe it’s not meant for me to be a mother again.’ I’ve had an early miscarriage and a late loss, so I know the feelings all too well. We were about to start setting up an appointment to do IUI and then IVF when we found out we got pregnant on our own. So please to all of my TTC ladies, do not give up.

And so it begins…

After one year of trying, taking a break, trying again, doing away with the tempting and just said, ‘eff it’, I’m pregnant!

A little background on me: I’m foxxy. You can call me foxxy. I started my TTC journey in December 2010. We suffered a miscarriage in April 2011 and fell pregnant again in July 2011. Our son, Ethan, was born prematurely at 22 weeks gestation on December 13, 2011 due to insufficient/incompetent cervix.

While we mourned the lost of our son, we always wanted to try again. It was very tough seeing everyone around us getting pregnant and expanding their families when we were still struggling. A lot of anger, a lot of resentment, and a lot of sadness filled out hearts. On the same token, a lot of prayer surrounded us. We knew we would be parents to a rainbow baby somehow and someday.

I discovered I was pregnant last week around 3w3d. The line was so faint, I wasn’t sure if I was looking at what I was looking at. I test again the following Friday morning with first morning urine (FMU) and again, another faint line. I figured I was seeing things and that my period would come. (This is how I was prepared for my period: I bought beer, wine, maxi pads, and disposable heating pads over the weekend).

I woke up Monday morning – the day of my expected period – and found I was pregnant. I even tested with four different brands to make sure there wasn’t a mistake. But the digital reading was all the hardcore evidence I needed. Now I’m just taking it easy, enjoying the pregnancy until my first prenatal appointment on – get this – April’s Fool Day.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous and apprehensive. I’ve had an early loss and a late loss. I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable with this pregnancy until the baby is at home in my arms. However, I’m more confident about this pregnancy than my last ones. I don’t know why I am, I just am.

This blog is going to be a journey of my ups and downs, my highs and lows.